Dreaming.

I wrote this on a whim. I haven't edited it yet, so there may be some grammatical errors and i apologize in advance. 

It’s funny how I absolutely could not wait to get out of high school. I was so done with it by the time I started junior year, then it was a bit better because I had my boyfriend by my side, but senior year was hell. I hated almost every minute of it. Don’t get me wrong I had great teachers senior year and I had many many fun times with my friends, but I was so ready to get out of that dilapidated building with the eccentric front entrance. Why was it that I was still there? I couldn’t be more excited when Prom finally came around because that meant GRADUATION was soon. It was fabulous to call myself a high school graduate and finally realize I was never going to be forced to walk into that old, beautiful on the outside building again…

Now, in college, I realize how wonderful life was. It was easy—all the worries and upset over class rank and GPAs was unnecessary and stupid. I thought what I did on a high school calculus class was going to determine the rest of my life. No, it definitely was not. What I do know WILL, however determine the rest of my life and that is a scary thought. College actually matters and as great as it is to finally realize you are an adult and just that much closer to the real world it is unbelievably scary too. It’s like peeking over the edge of a cliff to a beautiful landscape; your heart flutters over the beauty but also over the possibility of falling to you death. No, I will not die if I flunk college, but at this point in my life college is my life. College is the gateway into what I want to do, which I honestly at this point am not entirely sure what that is.

I think the biggest question I need to answer is do I want to go for passion, money or both? I want to have money I want to buy nice things and help people without money, but yet can I take the road with more money and possibly less passionate fulfillment? If I could I would be a writer, beauty guru, life coach. It would be an awesome job and fairly flexible to raise kids. I could write when I wanted to and film videos when I wanted to and consult when I wanted to. Yes, it would be a lot to do but it would fulfill me, but would it support my family in an affluent neighborhood, with quiet streets, little crime, and good schools? Who knows? I hope I can mix passion with business, as advised by Carol Frank in a lecture she gave in my class. It would ultimately make all my dreams come true. In a perfect world I would all I said earlier and turn it into a corporate empire…okay maybe not an empire but at least something with pizazz and a good salary and loyal followers. That would be the most fulfilling part—to know that there are people who look forward to reading what I have to say, watching my videos, and buying my products, and listening to my advice, even if they don’t feel it would be helpful for them. It’s wonderful to dream, but it would be more wonderful to make it a reality…I guess this is what this is. This little blog that I think only myself has read. It was nice to be in high school and know that you had time, that you had all the time in the world to figure out what you wanted to study, where you wanted to go, who you wanted to be, like the age-old question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” If only someone told you it wouldn’t be ask easy to know what you wanted to be once you had started growing up, once what you had said when you were five was more of a possibility, when you can actually make strides toward what you had said…but I’ve found that’s not what I want to be anymore. I wanted to be a doctor from the time I could ask my Daddy to read my body book to me or pretend to read a medical encyclopedia. I was always a biology person. I rocked that so hard, so perfectly. It was rare that I didn’t get an A. It rarely happened in high school and that was great, but so far from reality. I wish it were that easy, but then again it wouldn’t be worth it. I know no one every said it would be easy more than most; no one ever told me I would have to do it without my father, that I would have to dream of my wedding with the void of a father-daughter dance or being given away by the first man that ever loved me. I never thought I would have to stomach the thought of trying to make it on love and hope with the love of my life. No one ever said that anything in this life would be easy. Yes, I suppose it has all been worth it up to now. I’ve found the one for me; I’ve taken some chances; I’ve made changes for the better; and I’ve loved to the point where every ounce of energy in my body couldn’t flutter with excitement when I hear him opening the door or keep me from smiling when he says my name, or keep me away from him for any reason at all. Falling is forever; life isn’t. 


All of the words in here are my own. Please do not copy or reproduce without my consent. If anything contains resemblance to other works, it was incidental. I did not read anything that invoked me to write this. I simply saw two people doing physics homework and it reminded me of high school.